...about people:When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
When people say "Oh, you just can't have the cake and eat it too". Fucking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?
People who point at their watch while asking for the time. I know where my watch is, pal, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
When people say while watching a film "did you see that?" No, tosser, I paid 10 quid to go to the cinema and stare at the fucking floor.
When people say life is short. What the fuck? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever fucking does. What can you do that's longer?
People who say things like "my eyes aren't what they used to be". So what DID they used to be? Ears? Wellington boots?
When you’re eating something and someone asks “is that nice?” No, it’s really revolting. I always eat stuff I hate.
(Billy Connolly, Scottish comedian)
